Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Randomize
