guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
