I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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