I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Did I show you my penis last night?
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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