Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
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