He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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