apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
