In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
