I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
