One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
