whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
