3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
Randomize
