The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
