I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
