the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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