Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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