last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
