My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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