I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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