Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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