i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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