When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
