I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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