He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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