Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize