It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
