In America we eat man semen.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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