I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
