Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
