i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
