Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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