theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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