Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
