Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
