I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
