So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
