Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
