i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
