mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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