my phone needs a breathalizer
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
