I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
