my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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