So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
