just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
