Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
