chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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