So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
