You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Randomize
