you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
