I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
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