I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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