roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
This is the high leading the old right now
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
